Love and Limits:  Establishing Healthy Boundaries with Aging Parents

In our last blog, we discussed care for the caregiver. In a continuation of that theme, this blog will explore caregiver boundaries and provide strategies to safeguard a supportive and healthy care environment. 

As family caregivers, we are among an estimated 38 million in the United States.  Of those caregivers, 30% care for their children and aging parents, also called the “sandwich generation” and 60% of caregivers still work outside of the home (AARP, 2023). Do any of these groups describe your current caregiving situation? 

Whether providing care for aging parents during your retirement years, while raising children, or while active in the workforce, the role of caregiver is both a privilege and challenge. This role and responsibility may cause strain to both the parent and adult-child caregiver. According to the “Caregiving in the U.S. 2020” report (AARP), nearly 4 in 10 caregivers consider their caregiving situation highly stressful.

We understand that managing the demands of aging parents can contribute to your stress. One way to combat that stress is to establish boundaries. Boundaries are vital in protecting your emotional well-being, while sustaining a healthy relationship with your parents. Setting limits or boundaries allows you to be an effective caregiver without jeopardizing your health.

What are Boundaries?

• Communicating your needs with your loved one; setting limits for acceptable and unacceptable behaviors.

Why Do We Need To Set Boundaries With Aging Parents:

Establish expectations for behaviors: 

• Set time commitments, emotional support, and personal space.
• Manage personal life, career, and caregiving responsibilities.
• Protect your well-being by conserving the time and energy dedicated to caregiving.

Maintain positive relationships:

• Boundary rules create a healthier environment, fostering mutual respect and assistance.
• Boundaries are necessary when you identify behaviors that may be unwelcome, including:
  • Excessive criticism
  • Consistently negative complaints
  • Manipulation through guilt
  • Unrealistic demands
  • Verbal use of insults and shaming
  • Expecting to prioritize the parent above all else

Prioritize personal care:

• The better we care for ourselves, the better we can care for others.

The Benefits of Establishing Boundaries As a Caregiver With Aging Parents:

• Reduced stress and preserved energy
• Enhanced physical and emotional health
• Improved communication and greater understanding

The Consequences of Not Establishing Caregiver-Parent Boundaries:

• Failing to set boundaries can lead to feeling unappreciated, overwhelmed and isolated.
• Negative feelings can impact overall health and effect our parent-caregiver relationship.

Tips on How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Aging Parents:

Every Boundary Starts with Acknowledging Your Needs and Feelings

Tip 1: Set Boundaries Early: Gradually

• Set boundaries at the beginning of a new caregiving role or situation.
• Use a stepped approach: Start with the most crucial or important boundary first and gradually build as you feel more at ease. Avoid overwhelming yourself or your parent/s by implementing all limits at once.

Tip 2: Be clear and realistic

• Be honest about your needs without being aggressive.
• Make the boundary about your needs. Set ground rules to adjust to boundaries as caregiving-parent needs change.

Tip 3: Learn to say No

• In order to prioritize your well-being, you must have the courage to say “No.” Setting limits around your self-care may be difficult and cause feelings of guilt. Understand these feelings and know your limits. The better you take care of yourself, the better care you can provide.
• Prioritize your needs for a healthier and more satisfying relationship with your parents.

Tip 4: Consider your feelings

• Reflect on your emotions and when you have negative feelings. If a situation triggers negative feelings, you likely need to set boundaries around that circumstance or revisit the boundary previously set. 
• Understand your past parental relationships and try to see your parent as an individual, without slipping into old roles.

Tip 5: Enlist family support

• Seek support from family members and teach them to understand the importance of healthy boundaries. Family support can reduce stress.
• Maintain open communication with family members for mutual support and accountability.

Tip 6: Use “I” statements

• When expressing boundaries, use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. “You” statements may feel like you’re blaming the parent.
  • Ex: “I” feel unappreciated when you don’t listen to my needs.
• Don’t feel guilty when using “I,” as boundaries benefit both the parent and caregiver.

Tip 7: Be firm but flexible

• Stand by your boundaries but remain flexible as the caregiving situations change.
• Acknowledge your parents’ concerns, focus on your limits, and remain firm but respectful.
• Revisit boundary conversations when boundaries are disregarded or overlooked.
• Suggest alternative solutions as necessary.

How Do I Know When Boundaries are Blurred and What Do I Do?

You’ll know boundaries are blurred when you experience strong, negative feelings including feeling: 

• Overwhelmed
• Exhausted
• Resentful
• Obligated, Sense of Duty
• Anxious or angry

How Do I Re-establish Boundaries As A Caregiver?

• Identify the boundaries that were overlooked.
• Communicate and reestablish those boundaries and the requirement that boundaries be respected. Be direct and clearly explain what behavior you will and will not tolerate.
• All two-way communication for parent explanation or questions.
• Discuss consequences for disregarding boundaries.
• Consequences are not punitive, but clearly communicate how the parent’s behavior crossed a boundary and how you will provide and alternative solution if it happens again.
• Depending on parent capability, you may consider an alternative caregiver scenario:
  • Adult day care
  • Another family member step in to assist
  • Temporary respite at a long-term care facility
  • Home custodial care
  • Long-term care placement

Caregiving includes establishing healthy boundaries through effective caregiver-parent communication to reduce stress and enhance the health and well-being of both the caregiver and aging parent. Understanding boundaries, why they are needed, and how to establish them are vitally important to any adult-parent caregiver relationship.

Visory Health Helps Support You As a Caregiver

Visory Health understands the challenges of caregiving for aging parents. We are dedicated to helping caregivers provide a healthy environment for their loved one by offering an easy and effective way to manage your healthcare costs, ensuring you have one less thing to worry about. Get the Visory Health Prescription Discount Card today and embark on a caregiving journey filled with support and confidence through access to affordable prescription medications.

In my next blog, we will talk about sleep, its importance to your overall well-being and provide practical steps to help you get the rest you need.

To Your Health,

Dr. C

This article is not medical advice. It is intended for general informational or educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition, diagnosis or treatment. If you think you have a medical emergency, immediately call your physician or dial 911.